Incredibly bad resumes - volume 1

These were pulled from newly received resumes in my office just today. These applicants represent the typical job seeker candidate pool from which we are so fortunate to hire in this technological age. Ain’t it heartwarming? (The italicized comments are my editorial for comedic relief. Otherwise I would be screaming).

Contribute my sixteenth years of profession as insurance office management support and my nineteenth years as a education majors students.

Author of company employee manual published even

I make arrangements to courier the medical records to the provider. I mail stuff.

Vacation Consultant Plan Promotional Vacation packages to Hilton members. So you’re that telemarketing jerk that keeps calling me!

I then task myself to follow-up by confirming the scheduled appointments. Go task yourself.

My extensive role is to bring a confident and significant contribution by becoming an asset to your team within the organization while advancing and acquiring new education within each opportunity performed. My favorite website is thesaurus.com.

Degree: Business Administrations which makes me twice as valuable as those losers with a single Business Administration degree.

hi again :-)! this is my resume, the other email was my cover. please feel free to give me a ring at anytime Hi back, this is my reply, your capitalization skills are :-(. Please feel free to not wait for my call.

Experience: World Disney World it’s a world world after all

Skills/Certifications: Domestic Violence where does one learn this skill? Can you teach a class?

SPECIAL SKILLS/ TRAINING * Receptionist training for Seven years. Must have been a really big switchboard.

I look forward to being employed in an area that offers a fun working environment. Maybe try World Disney World

I have completed four years of formal education and now seek to make that investment pay off with an opportunity that has a high quality of life associated with it. Unless your four year education majored in How to Quickly Marry into a Disgustingly Wealthy Family, I suggest you reconsider.

I know it is safe to say I appreciate the value of a stable work history. Oh good. I was scared to say it.

In review of my resume attached, I am confident you will find the experience skills, you are seeking, for this position. In review of your, poor usage of the comma, I am confident, you will not, be visiting me for an interview, anytime, in the near future.

See attached resume (name of attachment: ABC Fine Wine.Doc) I’m only opening this attachment because I’m hoping it will include directions and specific ingredients for a tasty Merlot.

OBJECTIVE : TO OBTAIN A POSITION WHERE THERE IS OPERTUNITY FOR GROWTH. NEW OBJECTIVE: learn how NOT to use ALL CAPS because SPEL CHECK doesn’t find GROS ERRERS in ALL CAPS.

Name____, Director Dept Human Resources Company Address City/State Dear Mr./Mrs. Here is a tip for the standardized template user: (___insert really important tip here___­).

I am looking for to find a good job for US citizen. For to good job, yes US to come here you should. We plenty jobs good here.

With one of my classes being sociology. With my other classes I always skipped being remedial English.

Responsibilities Consists of: becauses mores gots to be betters thans fewers

setting up te file, revwg credit rpts., DO/DU revwg appr rpts., order title rpts., are you text messaging this resume? IDK. WTF?!
 
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I am a Human Resources Manager, whose primary responsibility is to recruit and hire employees. I have to read this stuff